The idea of being your child’s best friend, however foolish it might seem on the surface, has long since passed from faddishness to received wisdom. Much of the language used when discussing child-raising describes not a relationship between a parent and child, but a relationship between peers: be emotionally available to them, do things they like to do, show interest in them, be spontaneous with them, be vulnerable with them, share information with them, let them know they are important to you, encourage them to find their own answers, support them as they take risks. All of those phrases were taken from a Christian book on raising children. None of them even hint that the exercise of authority might play a part in raising a child..
Because exercising parental authority is hard work, we are open to the idea that there might be a better way. We listen eagerly as the world tells us that the parental authority is no longer necessary, that family life can be turned into a pleasant adventure simply by befriending your children, by taking a relaxed attitude, by respecting their individuality, by granting them freedom, by providing them space, by reasoning with them, by helping them sort through them options, by not intruding on their privacy, by not inhibiting their self-esteem—in fact, by letting them raise themselves, with perhaps a few friendly suggestions from a parent if and when they might be welcomed.
Of course, those suggestions are never welcomed, and if they are offered anyway they are never heeded. The response will be more along the lines of what I saw at a local store recently: a fifteen-year-old girl responding to some inaudible advice with a contemptuous “Shut up, Mother!” We’re surrounded daily by the wreckage from this enlightened approach to child-raising—the children who are oblivious to their parents’ calm and reasonable requests that they behave, who plead and scream for bribes in the supermarket, who race unattended up and down aisles, who wander restaurants during meals, who prowl the malls in packs, who are sullen and outraged when they must be seen with their parents in public.
It is no secret that children who are befriended by their parents turn out this way. The real puzzle is this: why in the world would anyone put up with having such children? It can’t be mere laziness—living in such stressful and miserable circumstances would motivate the most incorrigible of sluggards to act. And it can’t be lack of concern; parents who don’t care about their children can easily run their household as a tyrannical dictatorship, simply bullying their children into not annoying them. So, again: why put up with it?.
When faced with such a puzzle, R.C. has taught me to start with the usual suspects. I’m going to suggest that the culprit this time is one of our favorite villains—a deep and abiding Arminianism. Mostly we like to focus on the error that the Arminian makes, in asserting that the decision is his and his alone; less often do we think of the favor that an Arminian outlook does for us, in relieving us of any responsibility of our own for another’s decision. We pretend that we are doing our children a favor by not deciding for them, but instead treating them as friends who can be trusted to make “informed” decisions of their own. In reality, we are forcing them to do us the favor of relieving us of our covenantal responsibility to raise them.
The fear of responsibility for the fate of others is epidemic in our times. Once in a group Bible study I pointed out how difficult it had become to find people who were willing to be mentors to Christians who were younger in their faith. But even though they recognized the problem, nobody else in the group could get comfortable with the idea of sharing whatever wisdom they themselves had accumulated over the years, no matter how little, with someone less experienced. Groping for an analogy, I suggested to a couple who had been married for over thirty years that it would be much the same as mentoring a young couple in matters of marriage. But I was surprised to find that even the idea of doing that had them paralyzed with fear; even after thirty years, they weren’t willing to offer authoritative advice on any aspect of marriage—because doing so could saddle them with responsibility for how that advice might affect someone else.
For the same reason we shrink from the idea of speaking authoritatively to our children. We aren’t comfortable giving orders, we worry that our expertise is inadequate, we are afraid that we won’t be able to deal with disobedience, we are terrified that an ill-considered decision will do lasting damage. It is so much easier to follow the world’s lead and allow your children to raise themselves, with the benefit well-meaning advice from their best friend—you. And if they turn out badly—well, hey, you did your best to help a friend, and you aren’t ultimately responsible for what they did or didn’t do with your advice.
We know that such thinking is ridiculous and repugnant when measured against scripture. But simply knowing it won’t give you the strength to stand against the day-by-day challenge presented by the world, if you also view parental authority as a mysterious and thankless burden that God calls you to shoulder. You will be inclined to shirk this burden, and the world will offer myriad subtle opportunities for you to do so.
Instead, begin by contemplating your intense love and concern for your children and their ultimate fate. Then consider that, in giving you responsibility for them, God has also given you both the opportunity and the means to shape and mold your children into godly young men and women. Remind yourself of the peace and confidence that results as you submit in trust and obedience to the authority of your Lord and Savior, and then understand that your children will find a similar peace and confidence in trusting and obeying your God-given authority as their parent. Finally, remember that God is faithful to each and every one of His covenant children, including the ones he has entrusted to you—and that since He has chosen to exercise that faithfulness through you, there is no doubt that you will be made equal to the task of raising them. Repeat as needed until your heart is filled with joy and gratitude, along with a burning desire to bring up those children in the nurture and admonition of such a gracious Lord, to use your authority in bringing them under His authority.